Fears and sadness.
2017-08-29 @ 18:45:12
Today is my 22th b-day.
Oh my gosh I feel so old!
Many things changed even If I have really boring life.
I met Win-chan, I’m so thankful! I met my crush and other therapists I am thankful too!
But I can see I have obession. I fear about getting older so much! Its not about getting old like grandmom. I fear I don’t look like teenager anymore. Many people says to me I look still like 12, 14, or 16. But some says I look like 40 and its makes me down soo much. I know it’s really egoistic but I can’t get it off my brain even if there are more people who says I look like kid than ones who said I look old, I care more about the second than frist opinion.
Today even old man in the shop called me „Mr” I felt it is proof that I look old. I know that older people call even teenagers „mr” but I can’t stop feeling sad.
Maybe tomorrow I will go visit my new school. They will show me bulding and will say what I have to buy. I fear my future classmates won’t appcet me. They mostly will be 16.
I am 22 and it’s mean that I’m much older than them.
I fear if I will try socialize with them they will think I pretented to be teen to suit them better. I fear also that age gap show us that we are into in not the same things etc
Today is my b-day.
The therapist who care about what my life is going on (call him J-Kun) texted me with wishes. It was soo nice!
My crush (call him D-kun) didin’t text me.
He won’t text me. I am sure.
He never texted me back, so why he should care about wishes?
Yeah I know he is busy, but J-kun always reply me and he has as the same job as D-kun. They even work at the same place.
Yeah sometimes J-kun reply me after two or more days, cause he is busy. I don’t care how long I have to wait! I care about he cares about me.
And D-kun dosen’t care at all! He is nice to me, but J-kun is even nicer! Call me Princess and he care about me, ask how my life going on, Cherring for me, and he said he likes me (in friendly way, cause he has lovley girlfriend!) and he said he missed me when we met after long time
D-kun never said anything like that.
Sometimes I even thnk D-kun dosen’t like me and J-kun is the one who I should have crush on.
My mind is full of fear and sadness. It’s not what I should think before starting new school!
In Poland new school year opening ceremony is usually in 1th september , but in that year it will start in 4th september. I fear that I won’t finish that book what I’m reading right now.
There less than 100 pages left, book is intresting itself but I feel like I’m blocked and I can’t read more.
I watched „1 litre of tears ” drama again It felt so close cause I’m disabled myself and our disablites are somewhat smilar, but my disablity won’t progress. It won’t get worse and I won’t die. I am thankful!
I want to watch movie version (I prefer the movie, cause it’s more close to the orginal story) but my laptop-chan is mute so I have to watch on my phone anyway.
I did werid thing.
I made blog, a diary for character who I made in my head . She dosen’t exit but she have her own diary! Her name is Laura, she is 14 years old rebel goth . She also wheelchair user like me . I write her diary in polish. Many vievers says I should write my diary in polish, but I won’t do it cause I want improve my english skills.
Also I fear If I write my diary in polish D-kun would somehow find my blog and read all the things about himself! I’d be so embrrased! He dosen’t know any english so I feel safe and I can leting my fears out
So that all for today. I hope my new school year will be lucky for me!
Oh my gosh I feel so old!
Many things changed even If I have really boring life.
I met Win-chan, I’m so thankful! I met my crush and other therapists I am thankful too!
But I can see I have obession. I fear about getting older so much! Its not about getting old like grandmom. I fear I don’t look like teenager anymore. Many people says to me I look still like 12, 14, or 16. But some says I look like 40 and its makes me down soo much. I know it’s really egoistic but I can’t get it off my brain even if there are more people who says I look like kid than ones who said I look old, I care more about the second than frist opinion.
Today even old man in the shop called me „Mr” I felt it is proof that I look old. I know that older people call even teenagers „mr” but I can’t stop feeling sad.
Maybe tomorrow I will go visit my new school. They will show me bulding and will say what I have to buy. I fear my future classmates won’t appcet me. They mostly will be 16.
I am 22 and it’s mean that I’m much older than them.
I fear if I will try socialize with them they will think I pretented to be teen to suit them better. I fear also that age gap show us that we are into in not the same things etc
Today is my b-day.
The therapist who care about what my life is going on (call him J-Kun) texted me with wishes. It was soo nice!
My crush (call him D-kun) didin’t text me.
He won’t text me. I am sure.
He never texted me back, so why he should care about wishes?
Yeah I know he is busy, but J-kun always reply me and he has as the same job as D-kun. They even work at the same place.
Yeah sometimes J-kun reply me after two or more days, cause he is busy. I don’t care how long I have to wait! I care about he cares about me.
And D-kun dosen’t care at all! He is nice to me, but J-kun is even nicer! Call me Princess and he care about me, ask how my life going on, Cherring for me, and he said he likes me (in friendly way, cause he has lovley girlfriend!) and he said he missed me when we met after long time
D-kun never said anything like that.
Sometimes I even thnk D-kun dosen’t like me and J-kun is the one who I should have crush on.
My mind is full of fear and sadness. It’s not what I should think before starting new school!
In Poland new school year opening ceremony is usually in 1th september , but in that year it will start in 4th september. I fear that I won’t finish that book what I’m reading right now.
There less than 100 pages left, book is intresting itself but I feel like I’m blocked and I can’t read more.
I watched „1 litre of tears ” drama again It felt so close cause I’m disabled myself and our disablites are somewhat smilar, but my disablity won’t progress. It won’t get worse and I won’t die. I am thankful!
I want to watch movie version (I prefer the movie, cause it’s more close to the orginal story) but my laptop-chan is mute so I have to watch on my phone anyway.
I did werid thing.
I made blog, a diary for character who I made in my head . She dosen’t exit but she have her own diary! Her name is Laura, she is 14 years old rebel goth . She also wheelchair user like me . I write her diary in polish. Many vievers says I should write my diary in polish, but I won’t do it cause I want improve my english skills.
Also I fear If I write my diary in polish D-kun would somehow find my blog and read all the things about himself! I’d be so embrrased! He dosen’t know any english so I feel safe and I can leting my fears out
So that all for today. I hope my new school year will be lucky for me!