So?
2010-07-06 @ 19:03:13
There's a bloody reason for everything, right? The suffering, the fear, the misery, the dying hope, the hopelessness and so on and so forth. You gotta accept things the way they are coz there's a plan..a bigger one, and it should not - under any circumstances - be changed. This..state..sometimes takes the busciut. I keep standing, staring..feeling this..this inability to act coz whatever I do, it comes to grief..I'd pray occasionally if there was anything to pray to. There isn't. Every now and then it does feel like there's nothing there..no grounds to move on..no will whatsoever..You're stuck in this nothingness..this numbness..this..words've failed me. It's ludicrous in a sense..in a weird, eldritch way..
***
Off and on I feel like I'm left-field, atypical, strange and off-the-wall. And maybe not dead inside but definitely unable to sympathise no matter the situation. It scares me that I don't care..about this particular species, I hasten to add. For most of the time, what I do and what I really think are two completely different issues. It's living in this society, having that kind of mates and not others that make me do things I wouldn't otherwise do. I wonder why I'm this way.. the drunk who was my father? LaVey? My very own observations and conclusions concerning the world and people? My so fucked-up relationship with my mother? It's snafu. Or maybe none of that matters. Maybe I was born this way..Maybe that's who I am supposed to be. Maybe that makes me - if not different - then not like others. I guess I don't care way too much to care.
***
Off and on I feel like I'm left-field, atypical, strange and off-the-wall. And maybe not dead inside but definitely unable to sympathise no matter the situation. It scares me that I don't care..about this particular species, I hasten to add. For most of the time, what I do and what I really think are two completely different issues. It's living in this society, having that kind of mates and not others that make me do things I wouldn't otherwise do. I wonder why I'm this way.. the drunk who was my father? LaVey? My very own observations and conclusions concerning the world and people? My so fucked-up relationship with my mother? It's snafu. Or maybe none of that matters. Maybe I was born this way..Maybe that's who I am supposed to be. Maybe that makes me - if not different - then not like others. I guess I don't care way too much to care.